


Falling Into You

by AniRay



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Post-Gilead, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-21 16:34:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30024639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AniRay/pseuds/AniRay
Summary: She dreamed of him. And she didn't know if the dream was better or worse than reality.She fell into him. And she wondered if the fall would save her or leave her shattered on the ground.
Relationships: Luke Bankole/June Osborne | Offred, Nick Blaine/June Osborne | Offred
Comments: 10
Kudos: 16





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thismidnight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thismidnight/gifts), [vellaword](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vellaword/gifts), [Dystopian_Dramaqueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dystopian_Dramaqueen/gifts).



> Just giving you a heads up: This Will Be A *Slow* Update.  
> Story isn't completely written and I don't have a lot of time. But I want it to be out in the world so here it is.  
> Also, this is for my peeps. Obviously there are more than 3 of you, you know who you are, so just include yourself in this gift.

_She walked along the river. Emily, Janine, and Alma were all with her. The sun was hidden behind clouds and June felt an aching heaviness pressing into her. Serena had the baby at the house. June didn’t want to go back though the group was steadily making the journey to their respective houses. There was nothing for her there. Nothing except the four walls of her room. Confinement- the length was to be determined by Mrs. Waterford._

_“Oh look! They’re adding someone to the wall.”_

_She doesn’t want to look, but there is a force she cannot fight pulling her eyes upward._

_Black shoes. Black pants. Black shirt. A noose._

_Dark eyes that she knows so well fixed on hers._

_The hood drops over his head._

_A guardian pushes him forward._

“No!”

The sound of her scream startled June awake. The image of Nick hanging was still imprinted on her mind. Luke was beside her, arms wrapped tentatively around her shoulders. She wanted to shrug him off, but she didn’t. She let him comfort her. He needed this- to feel like he was helping. And she shouldn’t be afraid of this dream anymore. She had it every night. It always ended the same way.

Still…she never got used to it.

“June, it’s okay. He can’t get to you here. You’re safe.”

It was the same thing he said every night. She didn’t tell him the words made her skin crawl. She didn’t tell him that she wasn’t afraid for herself. It would mean explaining- more than she wanted to anyway. So she made herself nod along, forced herself to slow her breathing. She laid back down in Luke’s arms and willed herself not to pull away, not to squirm from the oppressive weight of his concern for her. She closed her eyes.

And as tears silently soaked her pillow, she pretended it was Nick’s arms holding her so tightly.

* * *

_She had gone back to the Waterford’s after Emily and Holly drove away. She had never been more terrified in her life. Not even when they took Hannah. It was a different type of fear though. There were guardians everywhere, people searching the area to try and find her and the baby. But Nick’s apartment was dark. And it was the only place she wanted to be in that moment._

_Quietly, carefully, she made her way up the stairs over the garage. It had been too long since she had been there. She had missed the climb, missed being in a place she was truly wanted. She tested the door and it was open. With one last glance over her shoulder she slipped inside and shut the door. He wasn’t there. She had already known that, but still… So she made her way into the bathroom to wait for him. Then she realized that if someone else came in they would find her easily. So she squeezed herself under his bed._

_And soon enough she heard footsteps on the stairs outside. Not Nick’s- they were too heavy to be Nick’s. It was like her lungs froze as the door burst open. Black boots stomping inside. Bathroom door swinging open. They weren’t looking for a person, she realized. They were looking for something else. Something that could put him on the wall. The mattress shifted above her as the guardian ran his hands under it looking for contraband. The surge of fear at how close to being found she was had her heart pounding painfully against her ribs._

_And then it was over. The Guardian walked the room one more time before he left- door slamming behind him. And she was left alone. She didn’t move. It was safer this way- in case someone came back. She would come out when Nick got home. They couldn’t keep him for too much longer, could they? He hadn’t even been in the house when it happened. That was the thought she held on to as the hours passed._

_He didn’t come home that night._

* * *

Holly was crying. She did that a lot.

Hannah had been such a calm baby- June had always said it was Luke’s genes keeping her so chill. She had hoped it would be that easy with Holly, too. Nick was quieter than Luke any day. But it seemed that Holly had more of her mother in temperament than her father. Or she missed him.

Maybe it was just June who missed him.

Rolling out of bed, she made her way out into the living room. Hannah was at the table eating a bowl of cereal. Her eyes were unfocused and her movements were mechanical. She was in Gilead again. It happened sometimes. June hated it even though she had her moments too. Static on the TV became static from a guardian’s radio. A crimson hoodie became a Handmaid’s cloak. June wondered what Hannah saw when she went away like that.

Luke walked out of the girl’s room, Holly in his arms. “Honey, you’re up.” She had stopped flinching when he called her that. It seemed too…sweet…for the person she was now. Still, she plastered on a smile and stepped closer to take her child- Nick’s child. Her hands didn’t shake when she thought of him anymore. Progress. “…wouldn’t take a bottle. I don’t really know what to do for her.”

Luke’s voice came to her from far away, but she made herself focus. Forced herself to be present. He deserved at least that from her. She couldn’t give him much else. “It’s fine. She probably just wants me.” She cuddled Holly close and peppered her little face with kisses. She did that a lot more- kissed her girls. She constantly told them she loved them. She never wanted Hannah to feel the way she had in that house. _‘Why didn’t you try harder?’_ That day still haunted June. For several reasons.

The sound of a spoon scraping a bowl had June turning to face her oldest. Hannah was watching her- watching Holly. She did that a lot too. She loved her sister- at least she said she did. But June didn’t try to force anything there. Hannah had to come around on her own. And things were better. She held Holly sometimes, and occasionally she would help fix a bottle or change a diaper. It was the little things that would help them connect.

Nick had taught her that.

Small acts of kindness, ridiculous inside jokes…Calling you by your name.

“Morning Hannah,” she said, hoping her voice didn’t sound too strained. She had to stop thinking about him. Her daughter gave her a small smile- she wasn’t a morning person and words were too much this early. “I was thinking we could go to the park today? Just us girls? We could bring Aunt Moira.” The shrug she received in answer was more than she had expected. Hannah glanced at the baby again before leaving the table and going to her room.

_It will get better._

June wasn’t sure she believed that as much as she used to.

She turned and caught Luke staring at Holly. The way his eyes were narrowed and his mouth had lost its softness told her he was thinking about her father- the man he thought was her father. She held Holly closer. She could correct him- she probably should- but she wasn’t ready. She wanted to keep Nick to herself- even if it was just by keeping Holly’s paternity a secret.

Maybe if Nick made it to Canada…

* * *

_Her eyes were scratchy from lack of sleep. Her head pounded from fear and dehydration. Exhaustion made it hard to even think, but still her mind circled with all the terrible things that could be happening to Nick. Gilead was not merciful. Gilead was not kind. And they would break everything in their wake to get what they wanted. She could only pray that her baby was out of this place now. She could only pray that Serena didn’t take out her grief on Hannah. Or that the Commander didn’t take out his anger on Nick._

_It was all a waste of her prayers, but that was all she had._

_The sun had been up for a few hours before she heard footsteps again. The door burst open like it had the night before. Black boots came in again- more this time. Then she saw the bottom of a Martha’s uniform and Mrs. Waterford’s shoes._

_“Rita, the bed.” Footsteps came closer and the covers were pulled back. “Gentlemen lie him down.” A small pained moan reached her ears almost at the same time that Mrs. Waterford’s voice came again- much more sharply. “Gently, please!” Then the bed dipped from the weight of the person they had brought in._

Please, God, let it be Nick.

 _She almost hated herself for being so selfish, but she couldn’t help it. She needed to see him. She needed to know he was going to be alright. She needed to explain and apologize and hold him and… God, she just needed_ him _._

_The sound of Rita’s voice breaks her out of her thoughts. A quick peek shows that the guardians and Mrs. Waterford are all gone. “Nick, what were you thinking?” She had never heard Rita speak so gently. It was the voice June used when Hannah was sick or scared. “And now look at you,” she continued, voice thick with emotion, “more work for me. Another mess to clean.” A smile came to June’s face as she listened. Of course Rita would still find a way to complain- even in jest._

_She waited for what felt like hours before Rita was finished tending to Nick. She watched as Rita emptied a bowl of water she had been using- it was red and the cloths she had used seemed to take so long to rinse out. Had he bled that much? God, they made him bleed._

_Gathering the things she had used, Rita made her way to the door. “I’ll check on you soon, okay?” There was no response, if the way Rita’s face fell was any indication. Rita slipped out of the room with a sigh, the door closing heavily behind her. June waited until the footsteps were gone before she crawled out from under the bed._

_He was shirtless. Lying on his stomach. His skin…he had been beaten. Crude stitches held the torn ends of flesh together. Dark, angry bruises were already forming. No wonder it had taken Rita so long. Did the Commander do this? The Eyes? Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she stood next to the bed. Slowly her eyes left his back to find his face. His eyes were closed- he looked like he was sleeping. She hoped he was sleeping. She hoped unconsciousness dulled the pain._

_She stepped closer and knelt on the floor so she could be at his level. Her hand shook as she reached out to touch him. Her fingers gently ran through his thick curls- curls she knew so well. She knew all of him so well. They had learned each other. In this room, in the Boston Globe, and in all the little moments in between._

_And those monsters had hurt him._

_Her head dropped to rest next to his, their foreheads touching. She was here, she was with him, and she wanted him to feel it. Her tears soaked into his sheet. Her eyes fell closed. They breathed together- always so in sync with each other._

_“June...”_

_She opened her eyes expecting him to be awake- he wasn’t. He just knew her._

* * *

“June… _June_ … _June!_ ”

June snapped out of the daydream she was having. She and Nick in his bed, just talking… It had been nice. She turned to face her friend. “Sorry, what?” Moira shook her head and gave that look. It was a new look. It meant she knew what June was thinking and didn’t approve. It was hard to tell if she didn’t approve because of Luke or because of Nick. Probably both. Mostly Nick.

“I _said_ , are you planning something for you and Luke’s anniversary?”

Shit. She’d forgotten. It was close- their anniversary. It was a few weeks away. It felt strange to think about it- it felt strange being married again. She didn’t feel married. At least…not to Luke. They shared a bed and they took care of the girls, but… There was no sex and there was no conversation- not about anything meaningful. She couldn’t connect with him anymore. Gilead made sure of that.

“Yeah, I was thinking of a date night. Maybe let the girls stay with you so we can have some grown up time?” That wouldn’t happen, but June didn’t think Moira needed to know that. Besides, it _could_ happen- it wasn’t like she didn’t still enjoy sex. It just felt wrong when she didn’t know where Nick was- like she was forgetting him.

Moira stared at her in silence. The judgy kind of silence. The kind of silence that seemed very loud. She nodded slowly as she turned back to the playground to watch Hannah. She rarely looked at Holly. Even after June had told her about Nick- even though she said she understood. June knew she didn’t and that she didn’t really want to. So Moira mostly ignored her. Another reason there won’t be a date night.

June turned to watch Hannah. She was playing- alone- in the sandbox. From where she sat June could still see the vacant look on her face. God, that look fucking hurt. “How’s Hannah? Really?” Was it wrong to feel irritated that Moira loved Hannah so much? She knew it was just because of her reaction to Holly, but still…

“She’s…adjusting. I think she misses them- her Gilead parents. I think she’s trying not to get attached. You know?” Moira gave another slow nod. Less judgy this time. June could tell she was about to say something when her phone rang. It still freaked her out a little bit every time she heard it. She picked it up from the seat beside her and checked the Caller ID. Luke. Moira was watching her, so she answered.

“Hey.”

 _“Hey. Just wanted to check on my two- I meant_ three _favorite girls.”_

He meant two. She took a deep breath and focused on Holly’s soft weight in her arms. She kept June calm- like her dad used to. “All of us are good. Hannah’s enjoying the sandbox. And Moira is glaring at the ducks as if they’ve personally stolen her ice cream.” It was a lie. Moira looked at her- that same disapproving look that she was getting used to.

 _“Of course she is. Well, I gotta get back to work. But um…our anniversary is in a few weeks. I just wanted to see how you were feeling about that.”_ He sounded so nervous and…reluctant? June glanced at Moira; her eyes were glued to her. She wished she could have this conversation without an audience.

Another deep breath. “I’m excited. I can’t wait to see what you have planned for me.” Lie, lie, lie. God, she never used to lie to Luke this much. She never used to lie to him at all. Now she felt like all she ever said to him was some type of falsehood. The call ended and June let out the breath she had been holding in.

She didn’t look at Moira.


	2. II

_“What were you_ thinking _?”_

_She had known that he would be angry. She had known that he would be more than angry. And she had thought she was ready to face that. But she was wrong. Because it wasn’t just anger. It was fear and hurt and a million other things that Nick would never show anyone else. It had been three days since she got back to the Waterford’s. Three days of hiding under Nick’s bed while Rita came to change bandages and bring him food. Three days of holding him in her arms._

_This was the first time he had mentioned the escape. He had asked about Holly the first time he woke up. But that was it. She had told him what happened- the Cliff Notes version. But he had been too sore and too tired to really talk and she wasn’t ready for the argument she knew was coming. So they had waited._

_Now he was done waiting._

_“Do you know how much planning it took to get you out? Do you know how many people risked their lives to get you in that van?”_

_He never spoke to her this way- not since the Boston Globe. But she knew he was right. She knew the risk and she understood why he was so frustrated. Because if they found her in Gilead, they would kill her. But she needed him to understand. Leaving Hannah behind wasn’t an option. It just wasn’t. And leaving him in this house wasn’t an option either._

_“Nick, what happened after I left here? Why did Waterford do this to you?”_

_He had been sitting up on the edge of his bed eyes locked onto hers. But he looked away with her question- like he was reliving it. Whatever_ it _was. But in typical Nick fashion, he didn’t say anything. Instead he pushed himself up off of the bed and slowly made his way to the refrigerator. She had to bite her tongue to keep from screaming in frustration. He shouldn’t push himself too hard. Not that he listened to her advice- or Rita’s or Mrs. Waterford’s._

_“Want some water?”_

_She rolled her eyes. “No thanks. I want you to sit down. I want you to tell me what happened. That’s what I want.” She watched impatiently as he poured himself a glass of water. Waited while he_ didn’t _drink it. Nick poured the water down the sink and turned to face her, bracing himself on the counter._

_“Waterford was going to go after you and Holly. I stopped him, kept him inside long enough for you to get a few blocks away.” He paused and she could see him deciding whether or not to keep going. How had there ever been a time when she thought he was unreadable? Nick took a deep breath, head dropping to hide his face. “He told the guardians that I had committed a sin against God. I suffered the consequences.”_

_She didn’t try to get anything else. He had told her enough. “I couldn’t leave Hannah. I got there and I looked at Holly and I just couldn’t leave.” Nick looked up and met her eyes. She knew he understood. She knew he didn’t blame her for that- he was just scared. Like she was. She walked over to him, fingers twisting in the hem of his t-shirt that she wore. “I couldn’t leave you either.”_

_He was already shaking his head. “You don’t need to worry about me.” She bit back a smile as she stepped forward and gently wrapped her arms around him. He pressed a kiss into her hair and held her close. “We’ll get Hannah. The two of you are going to make it out of this place.” Her grip on him tightened._

_He was always so worried about her. When would he get that she worried about him too?_

* * *

She almost passed out when she saw him.

She and Luke had decided to go to the refugee center to volunteer for a few hours while Hannah was at school. It was something they did once or twice a week- a way to help newcomers as well as a way for June to process her own situation. Sometimes it’s easier to live through someone else’s eyes.

They had been there for almost an hour. Luke was at one table, and she was three tables down. No one needed her so she was playing with Holly, making faces and trying to get the little girl to smile. Holly was just starting to laugh when there was a commotion at the doors. June glanced up and found Luke with her eyes. He stood up abruptly, his chair scraping the floor in the process. She had never seen him so agitated before.

She followed his line of sight to the group of men at the door, but she couldn’t see what had caused the excitement. It looked like security was surrounding someone, but June couldn’t see who it was. She settled Holly into her stroller and stood up. She hadn’t even noticed Luke marching towards her until his hand landed on her arm. She jerked back- that was a fairly new reflex. “It’s one of them- a guardian.” She spared a glance for Luke before turning back.

There was a break in the crowd of security guards and he was there- right there in front of her.

Then she was moving, feet carrying her slowly across the room. Her heart was beating so fast it hurt and her eyes wouldn’t leave him- like her brain would make him disappear if she blinked. Vaguely she noticed the guards putting handcuffs on him. That sent her into a run. She pushed through the ring of guards until she was right in front of him. From the corner of her eye she could see the guards all ready to jump in at the first sign of trouble. She could see Luke walking up beside her. But all she could focus on was Nick.

Her arms were around his neck with her next breath and her lips found his. _God_ , it felt like she could breathe again. Like she had been holding her breath for the past months without him. A voice in her head told her to stop- told her that Luke was watching. But she couldn’t let go of Nick. She felt the way his chest shook when he exhaled. She felt the way his hands gripped the hem of her shirt. It was perfect- it was so perfect.

He pulled away suddenly and she couldn’t stop the needy little whimper at the loss of him. He took a half step back as she opened her eyes. She tried to get her breathing under control- her emotions under control. She tried to remind herself of where she was and who was there. Yet even as her brain started functioning again her eyes didn’t leave Nick.

Luke stepped forward and took her arm, gently pulling her away. The guards surrounded Nick again and pushed him towards a side door she had never noticed before. It was a strange kind of torture, watching them take him- not being able to follow. The guards were just about to push him through the door and out of her sight when the baby started fussing. Nick stopped so suddenly two of the security guards nearly tripped to avoid him. Nick’s head turned in the direction the sound was coming from- his expression so conflicted it hurt June to see.

Then his eyes met June’s and all she could do was nod- watery smile stretching her lips.

She felt his sigh of relief in her bones.

* * *

Luke hadn’t said a word to her since the refugee center.

She couldn’t really blame him. She kissed another man in front of him. She knew he had questions- questions she couldn’t avoid anymore. And she owed him the truth after all of this time. She just wasn’t sure how to start. So she didn’t try to break the silence.

Holly had babbled happily in her car-seat the entire drive home. It wasn’t as bitter as it was sweet this time for June. Nick was here, alive; he didn’t have to miss these little moments anymore. And Holly could have her dad in her life. June looked at Luke from her place on the sofa. He had treated Holly well. He made sure she was safe and comfortable. But there was a wall keeping him from accepting her as a part of his family. Holly was hers and Hannah was theirs.

“He said you two were friends.” There was something dark in Luke’s voice as he said that. Something more than anger or betrayal. She looked up to meet his eyes but they didn’t tell her much- which was new. “He stood there and he lied to my face. He was fucking my wife- he knew he was- and he lied to my face. What the hell?” He was pacing in front of her, hand swiping down his face in agitation.

“Luke…”

“And you! What the hell was that June? You kissed him! In front of me as if I didn’t matter at all!” She bit her lip to keep quiet. There really wasn’t anything she could say right now that would help the situation. He shot a disgusted look her way but somehow she wasn’t convinced it was truly directed at her. “God, you scream his name almost every night and I just kept telling myself it was because he got you out. That because of how horrible that place was you were worried about him.” She reached out to grab his hand as he passed her, but he jerked away like she had the plague. “Don’t. You laid in bed with me every night letting me think we were getting back to normal.”

She stood up to stop his pacing, to stop this train of thought. It wasn’t helping anything. “Luke.” He turned away from her. “ _Luke_. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, okay? I wanted things to go back to normal for us. I wanted to have our life back.” She tried not to flinch at the look of distrustful disbelief he sent her. “Nick told you we were friends because it was the truth…It just wasn’t all of the truth.”

“Understatement, June.”

She took a deep breath and held it- trying to stay calm. “What, was he just supposed to walk up to you and say ‘Hey, my name’s Nick and I fuck your wife? By the way she’s pregnant with my baby?’ What did you expect him to say, Luke?”

It took her a moment to realize that he had finally stopped pacing- that he had stopped moving completely. Her eyes slammed shut and her heart dropped. Fuck, she hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that. “Holly is his?” He slowly turned around to face her. “You brought your lover’s child into our home?”

God, he made Holly sound like some sinful, evil thing instead of the beautiful little girl that she was. Like her being Waterford’s was somehow more acceptable. “I brought my _infant daughter_ home with me, yes. I brought the child I gave birth to home with me.” She shook her head, trying to find the man she married in the man before her. He wasn’t there. “God, Luke, is it really worse that I had a child with someone who cares about me instead of by the man who raped me as part of his monthly routine?”

The words were the slap in the face she meant for them to be. Luke’s face crumbled almost immediately. But she couldn’t care. She couldn’t feel bad for him right now. “June, I’m so sorry. Of course that’s not what I want. You know that.” But the damage was done. She shook her head, face twisted in disgust. Never had she imagined that Luke would react to Nick being Holly’s father this way. She never could have envisioned the Luke she married being more upset by her finding comfort in someone who was kind to her than by her being raped regularly.

Stepping around him, June grabbed her keys from the counter and went to pick up Holly from her playpen. “Make sure you get Hannah, it’s almost four. Order pizza if I’m not back in time for dinner.” She didn’t answer when he asked- oh so meekly (Aunt Lydia would approve) - where she was going. She carried her little girl down the stairs and to the car. She didn’t want Holly around Luke right now- not after the things he said. She was a baby and June knew she didn’t understand, but still. That was the type of environment she had risked her life to get Holly away from.

* * *

She drove back to the refugee center. It was fairly empty, most people either getting food or taking naps. But the receptionist was at his desk so that’s where June went. “Hi, I’m looking for someone who came in earlier today. Nicholas Blaine?”

June didn’t miss the way the man’s eyes narrowed just the slightest at the name. _Great, they probably think he’s some type of psycho and I’ve been brainwashed or something._ “Yes, he’s being kept separate from the other refugees right now. I’m not sure he’s allowed visitors.”

_Unacceptable, buddy._ “I understand, but this is important. He got me and my daughter out of Gilead and he’s a friend. I need to see him. Please.” She shifted Holly on her hip. She wasn’t above using her daughter’s cute innocent face to see Nick. And she could see the man’s resolve breaking as he looked at Holly- imagining Nick helping bring her to safety. _Gotcha._

He stood from the desk and headed towards another side door she hadn’t noticed before. _You should pay more attention, June._ She stepped through the door when he held it open for her, then went down the stairs that he motioned to. They had gone down four floors before he opened another door. It was dark and dank, like an abandoned storage area. The receptionist pulled out a key ring and then moved three doors down. There was a window in the door, and June had a feeling that the room used to be an office. “I’ll be right outside. Is twenty minutes enough time?”

She wanted to say no. She wanted to tell him she needed more time and more privacy than what he was giving her. But she didn’t- he was trying to make sure she and her baby stayed safe from the evil clutches of this twisted Gilead soldier. She pasted on her fake smile- the one she gave to Mrs. Putnam or the Commander. “That’ll be fine, thank you.” Then the door was opening and she stepped inside.

Nick didn’t look up. He was sitting on a bench along the wall his head buried in his hands. The handcuffs were gone, so that was good. The door closed and June glanced over her shoulder to see the man walking down the hall a little ways- giving her privacy.

“Holly, there’s your daddy.” Nick’s head snapped up at her voice, like she knew it would. “Look, baby girl, I think he missed you.” She stepped closer so that Holly could see Nick better and to ease Nick into the idea that this was real and not a dream. “I missed him. Did you miss him, Holly? I think you did.”

Slowly Nick stood up, his hands falling to his sides. His eyes were glued to Holly, just drinking in the image of her. June understood- she did that at least twice a day. “She’s so big now.” His voice was as soft and warm as she remembered. It made her chest ache a little so that all she could manage was a nod. His eyes darted up to meet hers for a second before going back to their little girl. “She looks like you.”

June smiled, shaking her head. “I don’t see it. Every time I look at her I see you.”

She took another step closer so that they were practically touching. She could see how much he wanted to reach out and hold Holly, but he wouldn’t force it. He would let her get used to him on her own. It was the same thing he had done to get June to open up to him. Always patient, never pushing, just there. And Holly responded the same way her mother had- by flinging herself into his arms. It took both of her parents by surprise. June trying to adjust her grip so Holly didn’t fall, and Nick reaching out to catch her instinctively. Holly, completely unconcerned with how close she was to falling- as only a baby could be- simply settled into her father’s arms. Nick met June’s eyes over Holly’s head, smile growing on his face.

“Hey. Hey, Holly, I missed you.”

June watched as he pressed a kiss to Holly’s hair, his eyes closing as he took in a breath. She moved in so that she could rest her head on his shoulder. It was so similar to the first, and last, time that the three of them had been together as a family. June couldn’t take her eyes off of Nick and he couldn’t take his eyes off of Holly. And despite being technically locked in this room, June felt more free than she had since the last time she and Nick were alone.

The rest of the twenty minutes seemed to fly by while simultaneously feeling as if no time was passing at all. Nick had sat back down on the bench, Holly still in his arms. June had settled in next to them, enjoying every moment of being able to have Nick this close. The anger and hurt she had been feeling towards Luke was forgotten. The stress and anxiety that followed her constantly dimmed. She called it ‘The Nick Effect’ in her head. No one else in her life could make her feel so calm. Not even before Gilead.

Gilead. She hated thinking of that place- especially in this moment, but it couldn’t be avoided forever. “How did you get out?” Her eyes caught the way his arms tensed but his hands stayed loose. He didn’t want to squeeze Holly too tight. It made June love him more. “Nick…”

He shifted slightly so he could look at her more easily. “I worked with Mayday to get a few more Handmaid’s and Martha’s out- a couple of older kids, too. They told me it was too risky for me to stay much longer- people were putting pieces together. So they gave me an address and a time. I showed up, they put me on a plane.”

He was helping other Handmaid’s. He had helped get other kids out of that place. She was so proud of him… And so fucking _furious_. He could have been _caught_. He could have ended up on the _wall_. Her nightmare- the one that woke her screaming every night- could have become reality. And she never would have known. But she forced herself to stay calm. She reminded herself that no one was ever safe in Gilead. That he might have ended up on the wall for a million other reasons. At least this had helped people.

She slipped her arms around him and let herself feel both the fear and the relief. “I’m so glad you’re here. That you came back to us.” He relaxed at her words and she pressed a kiss to the line of his jaw. Because she could. Because she had missed him. Because he was still her Nick. “I love you. So much.”

Immediately the tension was back. June pulled away sharply, needing to see his face. Needing to know what caused that reaction to her words. “You don’t have to say that.” Her brows furrowed in confusion. He saw it and answered the question she hadn’t asked yet. “You don’t have to say that to me. I don’t want to make things hard for you here. With Luke.”

Understanding dawned and with it frustration- at him, at Luke…at herself. She took a deep breath to keep from saying something she didn’t mean. Nick kept his eyes on Holly and it told June so much about where his head was in that moment. She reached out to let her hand rest on his arm. “Nick. I love you. And me telling you that isn’t going to make things hard for me. _Not_ telling you makes things hard for me. Wondering if you know how much you mean to me is hard. When you were in Gilead and I was here- it haunted me, thinking that you might have doubts.” She watched his face carefully, making sure her words were truly reaching him. “You kept me sane in that place. You showed me kindness that I had forgotten could exist. You reminded me that I was more than a uterus, more than a Handmaid. _You_ did that. And I fell in love with you for it- and a million other things. Okay?”

He didn’t say anything, which was expected. And really, June wasn’t sure what she would want him to say. She knew he loved her. She knew he wanted what made her feel safest and happiest. She knew he would follow her lead- unless it put Holly in danger. That’s just the way they were- the way he was for her. He wouldn’t force anything on her or tell her what to do. That’s how he showed his love for her.

A knock at the door caught their attention. The receptionist opened the door, silently letting them know that it was time for June to go. She let out a heavy sigh. She wasn’t ready to leave him. She wasn’t ready to take Holly from him. But, once again, she didn’t have a choice. She wasn’t in control of the situation.

It was a terrible kind of irony- her free to go and Nick locked in a room.

She stood up and watched as he pulled Holly close for one more hug, pressing a kiss to her cheek. Then he handed her back to June and stood up. With Holly propped against her hip, June leaned in to give Nick a kiss. It was too quick, and too chaste. It felt too much like a goodbye on his part. “We’ll come back tomorrow, okay? And I’ll try and figure out how to get you out of here.” Then she quickly turned and left the room.

She glanced back as the door closed.

He was sitting on the bench, head in his hands.

* * *

_“I can get you to Hannah.”_

_She froze. The laundry she had been folding to keep herself occupied slipped from her numb fingers. Nick had just walked into the apartment; the door had just barely closed all the way. And her world was shifting beneath her._

_“What?”_

_She didn’t even recognize her own voice. She had been here for a month now, and this was the first time since their argument that Hannah had been mentioned. She hadn’t even realized that he was actively working on finding Hannah. She had assumed that he was leaving it to her, while he figured out a way for them to get out. But his face, when she finally found the strength to look at him, said this had always been his plan._

_“Commander McKenzie and his family are going to be in DC for a conference. Waterford is going too. I can get you there.”_

_Her mind was slowly pulling plans together, imagining worst-case scenarios. Hannah was going to DC. She was going to DC. They would be there together- she would see her little girl again. They could get out. It was too early to really hope, but she couldn’t stop herself. She could only imagine what she looked like- her cheeks were starting to hurt from how big she was smiling. And Nick…_

_Nick looked…lost._

_Her smile dimmed a little. Then a lot. Because she could see in his eyes this wasn’t his way out. This was just for her and Hannah. “What about you?” How many times had she asked him that question? He looked down, but she knew it wasn’t because he didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t searching for words. They both already knew the answer. “Nick, I’m not leaving you here.”_

_He shook his head once, eyes rising to meet hers again. “You have to get Hannah out. You have to get back to Holly. And Luke. Your family needs you.” She didn’t miss the way he stumbled over Luke’s name. Or the way he flinched when he said family. As if he wasn’t included in that term._

_“You have to go this time, June.”_


End file.
